Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
