he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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