When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
