just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Randomize
