I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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