I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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