In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As shirtless as possible
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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