I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
