How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
