Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
