My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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