Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
