I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
