The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
