I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
