Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
