well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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