from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
