remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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