i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
