and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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