I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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