I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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