I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
