Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was born a porn star she said
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
