update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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