Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
