God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
