last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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