We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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