once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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