I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
