I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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