Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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