I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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