it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
