I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think i got beer on your cat.
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