My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize