genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Even my vagina gasped.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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