I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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