You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
