Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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