i think i have two assholes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
