I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
