He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
