dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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