The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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