you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
