If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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