i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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