OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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