No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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