She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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