what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
