I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
