Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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