do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
