Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
