her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
50% drunk capacity currently
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
