I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
